Recently I’ve been writing this music for piano, clarinet, and cello, with the intention of entering it into the composition contest held by the NYC Contemporary Music Symposium. Today I officially entered the competition. If I win, this music will be performed at a concert in New York, and I’ll get a professional recording too.
The first draft of this music came about in 2007, after reading the dark and mysterious novel The Meaning of Night by Michael Cox, which filled my head with strange colors. I sketched out the basic shape of the piece, but then discarded it as I got swept up in writing Jackdaw.
I revisited the music after returning from my honeymoon in 2012, and built it into a more sturdy shape. Because of the energy and emotion I was feeling during that incredible time in my life – when I had just returned from Europe newly married, when I was so obsessed with creating art and so hungry for life, and in many ways mixed up – this music (which was a by-product of that creative energy and emotion) will forever remind me of that time. To be specific, this music reminds me of the city of Prague, where I drank absinthe and played piano at a pub, and felt myself sink into the Great Human Experience. Read more about that here.
Even after all that, I still couldn’t be bothered to actually finish the music, so again it was discarded and left for dead. Then nine years later, in April 2021, when I decided to enter the NYC Symposium contest, I chose the Bowery Trio as the ensemble I would write for, and resurrected this music that has always meant so much to me. First I changed the instrumentation. The original instrumentation was piano, oboe, and bassoon, which certainly gave it a funky flavor (as I mentioned earlier, I was trying to express some strange color)! But once I switched over to the much more standard piano, clarinet, and cello, the music took on that rich and loving sound that it always wanted to have. While the original instrumentation was unique, it didn’t fit with the sections of the music that were more tender, the love themes. The new instrumentation brought those themes to life, and welcomed more diversity of color into the music as a whole. Oboe and bassoon can become a bit monochromatic after a time, but cello can sing forever.
This music bends genre a bit. It’s classical for sure, but also infused with blues. I also wanted certain rhythms to sound metal, but not metal in the sense of Metallica meets the symphony. I wanted the metal-esque pieces to be fully baked, or interwoven, into the framework and form of the classical music (as opposed to simply taking a metal song and performing it with a classical ensemble). Therefore this music doesn’t really sound like authentic metal in any sense, but certain sections were inspired by the genre, and these moments make an impact on the ear as they pass.
This music has followed me through multiple stages in my life. First as a student striving to expand my creative palate, trying to understand the world but falling far short; then as a young husband, traveling in a haze from country to country, stateless but full of love and optimism, bursting with creative energy; and lastly as I find myself today: a father, trying desperately to prioritize art creation during a very busy year of a very busy life, still nurturing that spark. This music somehow reflects all of that. Or at least that’s what it means to me.
I set myself a goal in January to enter two music competitions this year. One down, one to go.
1. Memories of the Ghetto – Read about this movementhere.2. The Metamorphosis – Read about this movementhere.3. A Letter to my Father – Read about this movementhere.4. Milena – Read about this movementhere.5. The Hunger Artist – Read about this movementhere.
I have long been fascinated by the connection between music and literature. My favorite pieces are the ones that tell real stories, or convey a timeless message to which we can all relate. For example, in Schubert’s “Der Erlkonig” and Liszt’s “Mephisto Waltz,” the listener hears the devil’s laughter and knows the human characters will not survive. These scenes are profoundly tragic in ways that all humans can understand and relate to, yet all we hear are the musical notes. This is the power of art.
When I began this string quartet, I was working at a book store. Everyday I would sneak into the stacks of literature and read as much as I could without getting caught. It was during this time that I was introduced to the works of Franz Kafka. Immediately upon reading his words, I knew I wanted to set them to music. The dream-like quality of his stories and the constant sense of anxiety in his prose put me on edge, and filled me with difficult emotions. I began researching his life, and found his real story to be almost as painful as his characters’ stories.
Born in a Prague ghetto in 1883 to an emotionally abusive father and bewildered mother, Kafka developed into a nervous, death-obsessed adolescent. He never married, and some of his most substantial female relationships were through innuendo-filled letters with married women. He eventually took a job at an insurance bureau, but began writing short stories on the side. Though rarely published, his stories were startling and unique. Dark, haunting, and non-sensical, each one feels more like a drug-induced nightmare than a short story. Kafka wrote hundreds of letters and diary entries as well, detailing his vague escape fantasies; possibly to Palestine where his Jewish brethren would welcome him, or to far-away America where he could reinvent himself, or anywhere that he could finally find a community that accepted him for who he was. Franz was brilliant, but neither his father nor turn-of-the-century Prague appear to have noticed. Regardless of his desires, he never left Prague, and died at the age of 40 from tuberculosis.
I related to Kafka in a number of ways, back when I was obsessed with him, back when I was writing this music. I was about 22, in between school and whatever future career I hoped to build. I was working a part-time job, delaying the inevitable. I drank too much, stayed up all night, slept til noon, accomplished very little. I felt isolated and scared and indecisive and twitchy… not a great time. I was obsessed with my own impending death, with time ticking by, with the ever-present fear that I was wasting my life. Upon reflection, I realize now that this was just a transitional time for me, when my childhood had ended but adulthood had not yet begun. I did not have a community, I wanted to be someone else, I wanted to be better than I was, to have more skills and experience, I wanted to flee. At that moment in my life, Kafka’s strange voice reached out to me across the expanse of time and made me feel like maybe I wasn’t so alone.
Like Kafka, I’m also Jewish. Kafka seemed to vacillate between indifference to the religion of his birth, and the intense interest of one who tries over and over (in vain perhaps) to feel connected to his culture, his ancestors, his local community. In Kafka’s entire written works, there is only one, single mention of Jews or Jewishness. Yet Judaism permeated the culture of Kafka’s upbringing, and most definitely influenced his style of story-telling: his gallows humor, his affinity toward demonstrating the absurd nature of human existence, and of course the sense of “otherness” that all his main characters share. I have always felt similarly conflicted about Judaism. I have never been a true believer, nor have I felt much in common with those who take the dogmatic parts of the religion seriously, which made it difficult for me to find a home in the Jewish community of my birth. However despite this lack of faith or religious devotion, I am absolutely a byproduct of Jewish culture and upbringing. Jewishness is in my blood, as well as my way of speaking, my sense of humor, my cynicism, who I am and how I see the world. I may read about the history of Judaism as a way to feel connected to my ancestors, to understand all the ways the religion and history and culture shaped me, but (like Kafka) I have no community in the temple.
Kafka took this sense of “otherness”, this cynicism and love for the absurd, this desperation and loneliness, and rolled it all together into an alternate universe that flowed endlessly from his pen. In his dream world, everything is almost exactly as it is in reality, except nobody seems to act the way a sane person would act. Social cues mean something altogether different, and we the reader are lost in what appears to be a culture both foreign to us and recognizable as our own. People are cruel and stupid, rules that make no sense are enforced without empathy, the world appears to be a labyrinth of faceless bureaucracy, and we the reader are lost in it without a guide or a map. So in other words, it’s pretty much like the real world.
This music is about Kafka’s life and my own. It’s about feeling lost and alone and desperate and scared. It’s about reaching for love and hope and joy in a world full to the brim with unthinking cruelty. It’s about striving for connections to our own culture, which though it’s our own can sometimes feel so foreign and nonsensical. It’s about making art in a cold and indifferent world, art that attempts to tell a story that is timeless and tragic and messy and uplifting all at the same time, a story about what it’s like to be human, a story we all know.
Fun fact: the keys of the five movements are C, A, F, C, A.
“This is not a city. It is a fissure in the ocean bed of time, covered with the stony rubble of burned-out dreams…”
Franz Kafka, writing about Prague
Franz Kafka grew up in the Jewish ghetto of Prague, one of the most ancient Jewish communities in Europe. My own Jewish ancestors also lived in the Jewish quarters of various European cities. The ghetto can mean so many things to the person who grows up there. It can mean a prison. It can mean the memory of one’s grandmother making soup on a Sunday afternoon. It can mean the cold, emotionless face of a police officer, or it can mean freshly baked bread, or a baby’s first breath. It can mean poverty. It can mean the language and hopes and stories and memories everyone shares there, and how those same hopes and memories have been shared by generation upon generation, leading backward into the endless abyss of time. The ghetto can house one’s cultural identity, one’s ancestors, one’s fondest and darkest memories. It can shape one’s sense of self and fears and hopes for the future. It can be detested and longed for all in the same moment.
I wanted this music to convey a sense of wistful nostalgia. The movement is a series of vignettes, or memories, that come and go as the music progresses. Memories of one’s own childhood, faces of people we’ve loved, a deep longing to return to a place and time that perhaps only ever existed in our memory. We smooth over the real details of our upbringing, of the culture that shaped us, until all that remains is a blurry recollection that is more feeling than memory.
Havelska Street Market circa 1900
I’m Jewish too, so of course the music is also about that. My own ancestors lived in the Jewish quarters of various European cities. For hundreds and hundreds of years they lived and worked and loved and laughed and built their communities. I stand on top of the rubble of those countless generations, and one day will become part of it. Yet despite that, I’ve never felt very connected to my ancestors, to their culture and memories and lives, to their religion and beliefs, to their struggle fleeing persecution, to what they left behind, to a way of life that is gone forever. I’ve always wanted to feel that connection, but it’s not something that can be forced. I grew up here in California in a secular family, far from the trials and rituals and religious teaching that my ancestors knew well.
This music is about longing: a longing to feel connected to something ancient, about a nostalgia for a world I’ve never seen, for a family I’ve never known, for a culture that isn’t my own. I can reach back in time and try to remember the Jewish quarter as it existed once, remember my ancestors as they lived and loved and prayed and raised children and died, remember my own heritage.
Freshly baked bread, a baby’s first breaths, a lover’s embrace, a tattered prayer book, my grandmother’s soup.
This music is the first movement from “Burning”: a trio for piano, clarinet, and cello.
Excerpt from journal. Dated July 27, 2012 – Prague
On a recommendation from a bartender, we headed toward a pub away from the city center, on some twisted alley or another. Our bellies were full of dumplings and gravy, our hearts starving for adventure. We waltzed into a well-lit bar and took a drink of the scenery.
The air was viscous with cigarette smoke. I immediately felt as though I were deep deep underwater, in a pub at the bottom of the sea. The rowdy conversations of the crowd drifted slowly toward me; from a distance I could see the words coming my way, yet still I couldn’t quite make them out. Men and women emphatically slapped the tables in laughter, rattling the half empty glasses and late night coffees and honey cakes, sending them floating away around the room. Others sipped their absinthes knowingly, balancing their cigarettes so delicately atop their outstretched fingers.
Ah Prague, ah absinthe. In honor of Bohemia we ordered two drams of the green concoction. Actually it wasn’t green… but it did smell like licorice, and it burned, burned!
It suddenly became very warm in that bar.
I was taking in my hazy surroundings when I saw her, sitting silently beside a red couch. She wasn’t outlandish, wasn’t putting herself out there, just relaxing and blending into the scenery. I’m not sure anyone else in the room even noticed her.
She was a thing of beauty.
She had a strong yet elegant frame made of fine wood panels. Her golden pedals glimmered and winked at me, beckoning me. Her keys were made of real ivory, an authenticity that can not be faked. This was no tourist attraction. This was the real shit, the soft underbelly, the pearl, that hard-to-reach part of your back. I was suddenly helpless against a mighty river of desire. I let it take me, wash over me, sweep me away.
I could tell right away that she was played regularly; all the tell-tale signs were present. The keys were bare and open for all the world to see, draped flirtatiously like freshly painted fingernails. The bench was pulled out, a bare leg peeking from beneath a knee-length skirt. However refined she may have seemed to an untrained eye, I could see from across the room how much she loved to be touched, that her strings were tight, her music sweet and pure.
I realized I was in a conversation with a man at the bar. While pretending to chat, my gaze kept wandering to her quiet corner of the room. She stared back at me unabashed. I wanted to put my hands on her that very moment, to know her secrets.
Erica looked at my face and read me like a book. I was lost already and there was no point trying to pull me back. We locked eyes and she signaled that I was free to go. I immediately moved to the instrument.
When I touched, I fell into a trance. Twenty minutes of absinthe-fueled dream music left my body.
Dumplings and cigarettes and alleyways. Twisting streets and beggars with their faces in the dirt. Pianos and absinthe and my wife’s soft skin. Love and travel and hunger and… feeling so lost that you forget what country you’re in.
I learned this recipe in Rome. This dish tastes super gourmet, but it’s actually very easy to make if you give the sauce the time it needs to fully mature. Serve this dish to your friends, and forever after you will be able to make them call you “chef”.
Potato gnocchi all’amatriciana – like Grandma used to make
For this recipe, the quality of ingredients is very important. Try to get yourself to an authentic Italian grocery store if you can. Guanciale might be difficult to find, but can be substituted with pancetta if need be. If you can’t find that, thick bacon is ok as long as it isn’t smoked. If you have the time, you could also make your own guanciale, assuming you have a whole pig’s head lying around. The gnocchi should be freshly made if possible.
Ingredients
3 thick slices of guanciale (pork made from pig jowls), chopped into small cubes
EVOO
1 small onion, chopped
Chopped mushrooms
Hot red pepper flakes
One can of whole tomatoes with juices (again, choose a can with no added preservatives, as natural as possible)
1 pound of potato gnocchi
Fresh basil
1 half jar of filleted anchovies packed in oil
1/2 cup grated Romano cheese
Directions:
Cook the guanciale in a large saute pan over medium heat and sizzle until just starting to turn brown. It should cover the pan with pork fat. Turn off heat and with a slotted spoon remove the guanciale bits.
If there isn’t a ton of rendered fat in the pan, add some EVOO. Turn heat back on and add onions, and cook over low until soft, but not browned. Add mushrooms and red pepper flakes for some kick.
Add tomatoes with juices and the guanciale to the pan. Throw in some anchovies. If they are high quality jarred anchovies, this won’t turn the dish overly fishy. They will actually disintegrate over time and become part of the sauce, and let me tell you, this will change your whole view of anchovies. Let the sauce bubble for at least half an hour. It will thicken quite a bit, but if it gets too thick add a bit of water. No need for any extra seasoning, this sauce will pack a lot of flavor from all that pork fat and those anchovies.
Boil some water and cook the gnocchi. When they float, they are done. Don’t overcook them or they will be too mushy. Pull out the gnocchi and add a dash of oil so they don’t stick together. Add a cup of the gnocchi water to the sauce and stir with some ripped up basil. This will meld all the flavors together.
Remove the sauce from heat and add the cheese on top. Serve it up with a bottle of Chianti Sangiovese. Congratulations, you will never eat jarred spaghetti sauce again.
In the scorching heat of midday the villa was abandoned, deserted, post-apocalyptic. I hunted across the grounds, running my fingers through the golden Tuscan grass, snooping down dark hallways and looking out the ancient, cloudy windows that appeared to be made of clear honey, though they felt solid to the touch. I wandered into a giant barn. No farm equipment or hay, just faded wood panels and a colony of snoozing birds that had taken up residence in the rafters. The high ceiling and heavy, silent air reminded me of a cathedral; solemnly I knelt to inspect an old nail on the floor. Anxious to hear any type of sound, I lightly rapped the rusted door with my shoe, and the birds suddenly took flight in a panic of feathers and chaotic squawking, swooping down savagely at the invader, filling the previously silent space with noise and anger. I covered my face, perhaps in shame at how thoroughly I had destroyed something so serene, and ducked out the door into the burning sunlight, leaving the birds to return to their prayers. The hot, fallow fields and gentle hills in the distance looked on, unphased and without judgement.
A single gust of breeze meandered past the sweat on my neck, providing just the faintest hint of cool. I breathed deeply, filling my lungs with the air my ancestors breathed so many hundreds of years ago, when the villa at San Rocco was a powerful fortress guarding the countryside, a pillar of strength. Today the villa still stands a lonely guard upon its abandoned hill, but it’s empty and choked with native weeds, its only occupants birds who sing lustily from the treetops and build their nests in the red roof tiles. The outer walls of the buildings all have loops for tying up horses, but there are no horses that need tying up, and rusted farm equipment sits neatly in a line along the field’s edge, more as a creepy decoration than as tools ready for hard use. I dunked my head in a pool of cool water, and hid from the sun in a cobwebbed vestibule that no doubt once offered shade to a 17th century farmhand after a long day’s work. Sitting against a post in the shade, I began to dose. Two tiny birds flew in to get some shade and woke me from my brief nap, but upon seeing me there they departed in disgust. Wrapped tightly in the silence of the afternoon, I let my mind wander the fields.
Why do I find myself feeling jealous of these happy Tuscan birds? As I drift across the countryside searching for something that will lend meaning to my life, these small creatures are content to lay in the sun, to cool their feathers in a pond, to sleep the day away in the rafters of an old barn. Life seems to have purpose and no purpose all at the same time. One day I will disappear and be forgotten, perhaps as if I never existed, much like my ancestors who lived in Italy for hundreds of years, of whom no record exists, whose lives have been utterly forgotten by posterity, entire lives full of laughter and sadness and sex and longing and glorious moments and religion and debate and watching the sun set in the hills and babies born and tragedy and art, erased and forgotten; just as the two birds who flew into my vestibule might never have existed at all, and perhaps lived only in a dream, a dream which I am already beginning to forget. I’m sorry little birds! I don’t want to forget you. I want you to live forever, wild and free in the Tuscan sun. But if you must be forgotten, I want you to live your lives with reckless happy abandon. I want you to drink the air with hearty gulps and dance in the breeze and dive like missiles. I want to join you. Then we can be forgotten together, but we won’t care because we will be birds, smooth and fast, and we’ll make our nests in the tiled roofs of old villas.
Back inside the cool, dusky main house I glimpsed the curvy figure of a piano tucked away in the darkness. The instrument called my name, beckoned me seductively. I approached in a trance. Staring transfixed at the candlestick holders bolted to the wooden frame, I reached desperately for her smooth, white keys. But sadly when she finally felt my tender caress, she could only respond with the dull creak of decrepit age. Dust choked the arteries that once pumped sweet music down these old halls. The piano and I wept together as two lovers who have irreconcilably grown apart. I did not touch her again.
I wandered down a hallway filled with ghosts. A laughing cavalier smirked at me as I tried a locked door. Though the sun still boomed through the open window, the hallway grew more ominous as I crept down toward the dead end. This hall was different from the others, more silent, more deserted, painted differently – as if the craftsman rushed to complete his job and be away from this place. I felt something slide under my skin, an urgency, the instinct to flee. These old ghosts are not scared of the burning noon sun. They are Romans and Tuscans and hard men, and they can smell the softness of my pampered hands, the hands of an untried and cocky young man who fancies himself an adventurer. They mock and beckon. Feeling their presence, I fled in shame and with much haste. Put me on a train back to Rome, get me out of San Rocco, before I join the ghosts and become another smirking face in some faded painting, inviting naive tourists down well-lit hallways that reek of death and lead paint.
I think I’ve finally hit my Rome stride. It takes me a good solid week to shake off jet lag, and perhaps longer to fully embrace the rhythm of a new home. Three weeks in one place is still a vacation, but it’s long enough to start to forget what it’s like in the real world. The vacation becomes all-encompassing. We have to go grocery shopping, and learn the layout of our neighborhood: drug store, metro stop, place that sells underwear for babies (our baggy full of Jack’s undies fell out of Erica’s backpack somewhere over the Atlantic). Today I feel like I’ve found my rhythm here. The right time to go out for a long walk in the sun, when to have a siesta, when to have an afternoon cocktail, when baby should go to bed; these are all crucial discoveries if one wants to prevent burnout. Today I have it down! I no longer have to try hard to feel at home here.
We took the number 3 tram on its long circuit from Trastevere to the North end of Villa Borghese. When traveling with a toddler, there is no better or cheaper way to keep them entertained than a long slow ride on a train. For 1.5 Euros, we basically got an air-conditioned tour of the entire eastern side of Rome, including a nice view of the Colosseum and Circo Massimo. I’m thinking perhaps sometime this week I will just hop on a regional train out into the countryside with Jack, with no particular goal in mind except to see what we can see.
An approximation of our route, based on memory.
Our goal today however is to rent bikes at the Villa Borghese and cruise around town. We arrive at the expansive park at midday, and quickly locate the little stand selling four-wheel pedal carts to tourists. With Jack perched in the front basket, we pedal our way across the park at a leisurely pace, stopping to play in fountains and listen to the random street musicians playing accordion music in the sun. The breeze in my hair makes me feel like a ship captain. Jack calls out “ciao!” to passersby, human and animal alike.
After the ride, we scarf down various sandwiches from a nearby café: spinach, egg, meat & cheese, tuna. These little white bread sandwiches are ubiquitous around Rome, very cheap, and very satisfying. Also easy to find in this city is amazing coffee. I never drink my coffee black in the US, but here it is just so rich and flavorful. Some guidebooks say that it is “un-Roman” to drink coffee all day, but I say drink it at every possible opportunity. My favorite is just a shot of espresso, with or without sugar. But also try machiatto, café freddo, and even café doppio (double shot) if you want a flavor explosion. We eat and drink coffee until we can’t move, then like amorphous blobs floating through space, we somehow drift back to our Rome Home.
Nap time for baby, siesta time for adults. Here in Rome, Jack naps from 3:30 to 6:30, so by the time we venture out again it is much cooler and the locals are beginning to emerge from the caves they hide in during the hottest part of the day. By 8pm, the piazzas of Trastevere are packed with people, eating, drinking, strolling, living the Roman lifestyle. I love this time of day here. Taking Jack for an evening stroll through the crowd of revelers makes every night feel like a festival, and maybe it is here. Jack likes to wear sunglasses at night.
I recently encountered a Roman who told me that people in this city don’t know how to work hard. I can’t comment on whether that’s true, but it certainly does seem like nobody is in a rush to do anything. I could sit at a café for three hours with one glass of wine, and the waiter will never rush me out the door. As an American, so used to immediate gratification, so used to a culture that teaches all young people that hard work for its own sake is a virtue, I sometimes struggle to accept this slower pace. But really, what is the point of hard work for its own sake? The point of work is to accomplish a goal, not to achieve a sense of soul satisfaction simply from the act of working. Here people have jobs, but they certainly don’t seem to value industry above all else. Maybe I’m buying into a stereotype, but they don’t seem to care all that much about getting things done. Joy is derived from the act of hanging out with friends, laughing, eating, and taking it slow. It’s almost as if I need to unlearn how to be an American in order to fully appreciate this life.
Yesterday I saw a group men in their thirties sitting on a park bench in the middle of a work day. These were not bums, but well-dressed men of working age. There they sat, with nowhere to be, doing nothing, without a care in the world (as far as I could tell). I watched them for sometime as Jack played in a nearby playground. They weren’t eating lunch, just sitting and watching. At one point, one man stood and wordlessly walked over to a child’s bicycle leaning against a post. He looked at the bicycle quizzically for a moment, as if he had never encountered such a thing before. Then he rang the little bell twice, turned around to look silently at his friends, and returned to his seat, his curiosity satisfied.
What is that life? How do I bring that home with me? Now granted, I do like to work, I love having a project. I couldn’t give up that Puritan work ethic, its baked in too deeply (even though I can claim no Puritan ancestry). But can I bring home a balance that includes just a piece of that Italian vibe? Can I still satisfy my insatiable need to create (that same drive that makes me write music, update a blog, build a website), but still be able to sit on a park bench for hours and find satisfaction in leisure? After all, why do I work hard if I can’t then put down my project and enjoy the finer things? Like lying around while my son performs a melodica solo.
Aren’t moments like these the most important moments in life?
After our siesta, we walk to Ponte Sisto, a piazza next to a bridge where young Italians are to be found every evening lounging on the steps, listening to the rotating street musicians who seem to work in 20 minute shifts. Down the steps to the banks of the River Tiber, a long row of restaurants and bars trace the curve of the river. More eating, more drinking, more sitting. By the time we get back home, it’s close to midnight, another Roman day well-spent.
Did we build great structures? No. Did we get richer? No. Did we relax and enjoy life, bond and laugh and lounge and live like Romans? Si! Right now, I couldn’t ask for more.
P.S. Jack made friends with an Italian waiter at a cafe today. The waiter was watching Jack from afar as Jack sat in his chair at the cafe, basking serenely in the sun like a cat, enjoying every bite of his chocolate cookie. Jack was in no rush to go anywhere or do anything. He was a master at chilling. His only job in the world was to savor good food, to people-watch, to close his eyes and rest, to just be. He was a true Italian. The waiter came up to us and said, “Now there is somebody who knows how to live.” I couldn’t agree more.
Tonight I am in Rome, cooking with my son. On the menu: antipasti plate, insalate, and potato gnocchi all’amatriciana (a traditional Roman sauce made from guanciale – find the recipe here). Jack is my special helper in the kitchen. I have found that one of the best ways to pass the time with a three year old is to cook a luxurious meal together. Jack loves to put spices in a bowl, fetch ingredients, sample the food as we cook it, and talk about what’s happening in the pan (“look Jack, bubbles!”). One of my primary goals on this trip was to cook a massive Roman feast for my family, so I intend to draw this out as much as possible.
Before we begin I open a bottle of Barolo, also known as “the king’s wine,” and let it breathe for a bit.
This particular wine goes very well with meat and cheese, so my first task is to craft the perfect antipasti platter. My particular version might not necessarily be “authentic,” but it includes everything I am in the mood to munch on. Let’s see, we have salami ventricina, prosciutto, pesto, crusty bread, soft bread, ricotta cheese, Romano cheese, green olives, anchovies, tomatoes, basil, olive oil with red pepper, and balsamic vinegar.
As I set each item out, I discuss the colors and textures with my sous chef, and we sample each item one by one. By the time everything is arranged, the wine is ready to drink! The flavors are warm and inviting, rich and complex. I especially enjoy the anchovies with bread, salami, cheese, basil, and tomato. These anchovies come pre-filleted and packed in oil and salt in a jar, perfect for eating or cooking!
Jack’s favorite is crusty bread and green olives. I’ve never met a toddler who loves olives as much as Jack (I certainly didn’t at that age, or even now to be honest). I think perhaps people are born either loving or hating olives. Perhaps it’s like a gene. Some scientist will probably study this in the future and solve this mystery once and for all.
Well I could eat this combo all night, but there is work to be done. Time for another glass of wine! I mean, time to cook more stuff. First we brown the guanciale just a bit, until it starts to shed some of its yummy fat into the pan. Guanciale is a type of pork made from pig jowls (mmm jowls). To say the least, it is succulent. It isn’t really a bacon flavor, but instead a buttery, soft, melt-in-your-mouth little chunk of fat that give any dish it touches a distinct porky flavor. A little goes a long way, so I decided to cook up a bunch! I’m not sure where I will find this meat in America, but I intend to hunt for it.
Now come onions, red pepper, mushrooms, and tomatoes, cooking together in the pig fat (with some olive oil too because why the hell not it’s delicious).
I’ve heard that Americans cannot tell the difference between rancid olive oil and fresh olive oil, so many of the olive oils in America are crap. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I can say that this jar I bought today is fresh and aromatic and flavorful! In fact, all of these ingredients taste so high quality, so fresh, so gourmet, as if I bought them at a five star restaurant. But they were all purchased with a 100 yards of my apartment in Trastevere. It makes me wonder what kinds of additives and impurities I eat every day in America. What is really inside a can of American tomatoes? What chemicals are sprayed on American basil? What hormones did the pig ingest? It’s sad to think about, so I’ll save that conversation for another day. It’s best to be mindful and live in the moment. My kitchen is starting to smell incredible, and I have lots more wine to drink. I am in Rome with my son, cooking traditional Italian food with authentic ingredients, sweating in the heat of the afternoon, drinking the king’s wine. Ah life!
I’m realizing that most of my favorite travel memories seem to involve food. On all of my road trips and journeys around the world, culinary experiences stand out in my mind like monuments. The fish eye I ate in Taipei, the fried pickles in Idaho, the lobster in Maine, the dumplings in Prague, the currywurst in Berlin… those are the experiences I take home with me, the scents and flavors I cherish when I reflect on past adventures. But I am more than a food tourist. It’s really about the whole ambiance, the vibe of a place. In Rome, it’s the food, but also the gentle lull of the dialect, the long relaxing meal, the exquisite wine, the hand gestures, the cigarette smoke, the cobblestones, the beautiful dresses and finely-tailored suits, the vespas, the crumbling buildings, the clothes hanging on wires, the all-encompassing heat. It’s all part of the package, all part of the magic.
The sauce has been bubbling for quite some time now, so I think it’s time for me to go boil some gnocchi. For now I will say ciao! As the Italians say, may you eat well, laugh often, and love much.
This ancient city will always hold a special place in my heart. The last time Erica and I were here, we had been married for exactly one day. Dazed and elated, as in a dream, we found ourselves gliding across the yellow countryside on an Italian train, bound for Rome. This was our first stop on a whirlwind European adventure through multiple countries. We only had a couple jetlagged days to soak in the magic of this place, so we followed the well-trodden path of the typical American tourist: running from monument to monument in the blazing sun, feasting on pasta and pizza and gelato until we couldn’t move, gaping in awe at the wreckage of an empire that once spanned the known world. We were two newlyweds in a very old place. We felt the weight of history. We woke at the darkest hour of the night and compared the sizes of our feet.
Now five years later we have returned, this time with a special traveling companion: our three year old son Jack.
Magic and wonder, those are the first words that come to mind when I picture traveling the world with my son. Some people write about the difficulty of flying across the sea with a young child, others provide strategies for what to pack and how to keep the little tyke entertained while you dine out. I just want to write the words magic and wonder, because that is what I feel.
Jack is the most amazing little person I have ever met. His curiosity and adventurous nature are contagious. He is easy-going and excited for life. He wears a fedora like he was born to do it. Watching him march confidently down a Roman alleyway, or try new varieties of food, or shout “ciao” to passersby (and dogs) fills me with such love I cannot describe.
Again the weight of history bears down on me. Jack is such a new little life, exploring his world, and I am his parent shielding him and teaching him and showing him the ropes. How many others have come before me, how many have walked these same streets, streets that were paved before Christ was a glimmer in his Father’s eye. How many parents have loved and guided their tiny children in this endless city, watched with trepidation as those babies took their precarious little steps over these worn out cobble stones? How many husbands and travelers and lovers and writers and artists and dreamers and musicians and businessmen (and all the other things I try to be) have thought these same thoughts while staring at the Tiber? Who has stood where I stand today, and what did they think and feel?
Practicing our Italian at the Trevi Fountain.
Being human means celebrating one’s own uniqueness while recognizing that everything we ever do has been done with endless repetition across the span of time. I love picturing the father who visited Rome with his wife and three year old son in the year 1291. The Pantheon and Colosseum were ancient even then. Did he watch his beautiful child play in a fountain and ponder his place in the universe? Did he squeeze his wife’s hand and whisper “I love you” as the sun set over the ruins? Did he keep a blog on some long lost scroll?
This is what history means to me, that we are all the same, that we are all connected by our humanness. Now that I have a tiny human of my own I feel more connected than ever.
Jack isn’t quite so philosophical as all that. He mostly wants to eat biscotti and splash in the fountains.
We have rented an apartment for three weeks in the heart of Trastevere, a restaurant-packed medieval neighborhood full of twisting alleyways and bars bursting with real-life Roman locals. No racing from place to place, no all-day walks across the burning city, no tourist track this time. We want to live like the Romans live. Jack and I go out in the morning and buy fresh fruit at the nearby street market. I drink coffee while he plays in the piazza, in the shadow of a 1,000 year old church. Erica and I eat at our leisure and people-watch and drink wine in the heat. We’re in no rush.
Jack loves to run up and down the alleyways. Up and down, up and down, repeat. He runs as fast as he possibly can, pumping his arms and scrunching up his little face into the very definition of (cute) intensity. Then he gets tired and plops down, mission accomplished. When he’s tired he sits on a stoop and looks around, taking it all in, storing up energy for the next sprint. For the moment he is perfectly content to sing quietly to himself, stare at the bright summer sky, and say ciao to any dogs that pass by. For Jack, it’s about the journey.
Cherishing the local cuisine.
Tonight we sat for two hours in the Piazza di Santa Maria in Trastevere. Jack brought some toys and spread them all out on the steps of a fountain. I sipped a large beer and watched as young people gathered on the steps to laugh and smoke and gossip. Street musicians came and went, but we remained. Nowhere to be. Basking in the ambiance of a clear Roman evening, practicing the art of doing nothing.
When I return to California, I plan to bring this Roman style of living back with me. That will be my souvenir. Stop, cherish life. Eat well, love passionately. Laugh, drink, live!
